Have you ever noticed how a simple disagreement over dinner can turn into an argument that poisons the whole evening? Now imagine that happening on a national scale and you’ll understand what tyranny looks like today.
Understanding this difference is critical to today’s violent communication.
A disagreement is a form of conflict where the goal is shared understanding of differing ideas.
An argument is what happens when that goal of shared understanding breaks down and all that remains is a desire to win at all costs.
A few months ago, Donald Trump invited Ukrainian President Zelenskyy to the Oval Office. What followed was an incredible act of political theater designed to turn popular opinion away from our democratic ally.
To understand what’s really happening, we need wisdom that forces our perspective out of the weeds. For that shift, I now introduce you to God Emperor Leto II.
"Arguments arise when there is no sufficient language to resolve a conflict. They are symptomatic. Arguments are as dangerous in a society as disease is in an individual."
That’s from the book God Emperor of Dune by Frank Herbert.
If you only watched the movies you wouldn’t know that Dune is really a book of philosophy dressed up as sci-fi. It’s fantastic.
While I was listening to the God Emperor of Dune audiobook recently, I paid close attention when the God Emperor spoke about arguments.
He says that when people argue, their minds close and become defensive. They stop seeking truth and listening for understanding, and instead only seek victory.
When that happens, violence follows.
All forms of violence, physical, emotional, psychological, are about dominating an enemy.
He continues his monologue, saying that when a society glorifies argument without understanding, it decays into war.
That is exactly what has been happening in our own society.
If you don’t believe me, turn on the TV and watch what passes for news these days.
Case in point, the Trump-Zelenskyy meeting in February. After that naked show of tyranny in the Oval Office aired, the propaganda machine, Fox news and its allies, immediately launched a campaign to rewrite the objective truth and humiliate our allies.
Their plan was to sour public opinion on our support of Ukraine. They did this by attempting to humiliate Zelenskyy and then aggressively rewrite the narrative so that the average person would believe a fiction.
It’s pure propaganda.
When argument is weaponized as we saw in the Oval Office on February 28, it becomes an official act of violence perpetrated against the American people. An act of tyranny.
What we are seeing is argument on a societal scale. It’s not so different from the mundane arguments that might happen in a dysfunctional household.
In both cases, argument leads to violence. And remember, not all violence is physical.
And in every case of one sided violence those of us who care about truth are left holding the bag when the arguer declares victory.
So what’s the point?
Should we join the argument and fight on the side of truth or should we avoid the argument and avoid getting pulled into the mud?
And if an argument over dinner might result in a kitchen boxing match isn’t it wiser to just submit?
Not exactly. I’ll break it down.
Conversation is good.
Debate is invigorating.
But the key in each is mutual listening.
Argument, which lacks mutual listening and understanding, is toxic.
A healthy society, just like a healthy household, teaches people how to disagree without arguing.
We resist the tyranny of argument - violent communication - by insisting on mutual understanding.
When speaking with an argumentative person, your only objective is to prevent the collapse of understanding. Remember, when that happens, the mind is shut and reverts to its tribalistic fight for victory mode.
Here is some good advice on dealing with arguments that I think Frank Herbert a.k.a. God Emperor Leto II would have agreed with.
Stay calm. Don’t mirror their emotion.
Ask thoughtful questions instead of making declarations.
Ignore the bait. Focus on what matters.
Speak in parables or from lived experience.
Disengage when needed to protect your integrity.
Slow your pace, refuse to be baited, speak to plant questions.
The goal isn’t victory, but to plant the seed that might one day grow to guide the person towards a new understanding.
And in the meantime, do what you must to preserve your own integrity.
Stay safe,
Austin