Did you think that violent communication is loud?
Not necessarily.
I’d say it’s mostly a normal volume and reasonable sounding. Think about a recent example; I’m sure one comes to mind.
Folks who favor violent communication tactics love putting their skills to the test.
They’ll do whatever they can to bait you into engaging a topic on their terms.
There’s a kind of bait you’ll see more and more these days…
especially if you dare to speak clearly in public, online, or anywhere people are watching.
You state a fact. A grounded, observable, maybe even boring truth.
And someone comes at you with a gish gallop — a machine gun of half-truths and distortions, designed not to discover truth…
…but to drown it.
Or they throw out a Big Lie — so confidently stated, so emotionally charged, that refuting it suddenly makes you look like the crazy one.
The old part of your brain wants to fight back.
It wants to correct them.
To defend yourself.
To win the argument.
But that’s the trap.
Because when you wrestle a pig, you both get muddy — and the pig likes it.
Same goes for people who bait you with distortion. They aren’t looking for clarity. They’re looking for a reaction.
“If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation.”
It’s an idea that has been around for thousands of years.
The moment you argue on their terms, you’ve already lost the real game.
Because now you’re debating inside their frame — reacting to their rules, playing catch-up. You’re not defending the truth…
You’re defending your sanity in a rigged casino.
Here’s the counter-move:
Refuse the Frame
When the bait comes — distortion, deflection, or a Big Lie — here’s how you stay centered:
“Before we go further — can we agree on what counts as a fair conversation?”
If they can’t (or won’t) answer?
You’re free. Walk away. Don’t pour your energy into someone who will not meet you on even ground.
If they are willing to agree with you on ground rules for the conversation?
Now, you’re not defending yourself — you’re defining a path forward together.
Your conversation goes from a contest to a collaboration. Find common ground, and hold on to it.
This is what we train for in Violent Communication
To speak with clarity in chaos.
To model strength without drama.
To reframe the conversation without raising your voice.
And if you know someone who’s caught in this trap — someone who’s burning out trying to argue with distortion — send them this email. Forward it. Share the link.
Let them know there’s a better way.
Because clarity is contagious.
And we need more of it.
They can join the free daily newsletter here:
Violent Communication – Speak Clearly in a Distorted World »
Talk soon,
Austin